I started going through puberty when I was 8 or 9 years old. I vividly remember sitting in the bath one night looking at my body and asking my mum what was happening to me. She told me that my body was changing and that I was becoming a woman. I went to bed that night and sobbed my heart out. I wanted to be a little girl, I didn't want to be a woman.
Perhaps this was the beginning of a block I put upon myself, but I feel like I never did become that woman. I buried her deep within myself and never allowed her to emerge. As I grew older my difficult relationship with my body continued and my feelings of dislike and shame prevented me from ever developing an identity as a sexual woman.
But this is changing and the woman within me is emerging. I am finding her, finding what she looks like and feels like, finding what she likes and what she doesn't and do you know what, she's fabulous.
This is a very exciting time for me and this is why I am sharing it with you here. Those of you who have followed my blog for a while will know what a journey of self discovery I have been on this past year and for me this is one of the final pieces of the puzzle.
I became very aware of this missing part of my self a few years ago.
I have had a very strong sense of my self; of the various roles I played in my life and of the different identities I have such as mother, friend, earthling. But there was a gaping hole, Laura
the woman was not there. At first I was amazed by the realisation and then I became increasingly frustrated. Where was she and how would I find her and bring her out to the light?
Over and over again I saw this gap reflected back to me, in books I read, friends I talked with, in my relationships and intimacy in general.
About a year ago I had a discussion with my counsellor in one of our sessions about the identities that I have. She asked me if I could describe what they looked like. I could; the wife wore a green dress, a-line and beautiful, the mother soft flowing linens and floral prints. The earthling had long dreadlocks and bright rainbow coloured clothes, but I didn't know what the sexy woman looked like. My home work for that week was to make a wardrobe, or even just find colours or fabrics or anything really that would represent each of those identities. I did this and found snippets of fabric that felt right for each role, but I found nothing for
her. I started a pinterest board called
'through the wardrobe doors' a cheaper and less time consuming way to 'shop' for the look of each identity but I still didn't find
her.
The sense of frustration was leaving though, I didn't feel so desperate to find her, so cross that she wasn't just there under the surface for me to grab her hand and pull her out. At the New Year I simply asked for her to come. I made my bid to the universe and said I was ready and then I let it go. I continued to practice my yoga and meditation and running, to still my mind and find the peace of being truly myself with no noise going on. And then during the summer, I found her.
I found her by becoming my true self. I found her because I knew she was there. I found her because I was patient enough to wait for her to emerge without being dragged. I found her because I believed in her. I found her because I am her.
Once I found her I started to listen. To hear what she likes and who she is. My friend has a little business selling vintage clothing and furniture and I heard her say '
wow'. I hear music with a deep base beat and I feel her move her hips. I see bright red and blue, polka dots and stripes and I hear her say '
that's so me' I find a pair of peep toe heels in a charity shop and she says '
get them, they're fabulous'.
I look at myself in the mirror and I see her and she makes me smile, and makes butterflies flutter in my stomach and excitement rise in my throat.
Here looking back at me is this woman, this gorgeous, sexy woman.
I knew she was there and here I am!
(By the way the dress in the pictures is the one that I made for myself, I worked without a pattern, sewing from the heart and fitting it on myself over and over again. I loved the process of making this dress and buying the bits and pieces to go with it like the shoes and my bright red petticoat. I had so many people comment on it when I wore it to the wedding last week, I felt really special in it, alive and beautiful and me!)
