Thursday, January 10, 2013

loosing it (in more ways than one)

Do you know what this is?
 It is called a hexbug and one of these wee guys released a wave of pent up feelings in me today.
Yesterday we went to visit a gorgeous friend of mine, who showed us this hexbug that Santa had brought to their house at Christmas.
When we got home after our visit Benny found it in his pocket (!?!), I had thought then that I should take it away so we wouldn't loose it, but the kids were really enjoying it, so I told Benny to really look after it so we could return it to it's owner at playgroup the next day...
But it got lost, somehow between coming up for a bath and leaving to drop Rebe to school this morning it just vanished.
We started to look for it and to be honest I tore the house apart before 8am.
After I took Rebe to school I thought I'd calmly try and have another look. But, I got more and more frantic; every drawer was emptied, each bed stripped, every basket of toys tipped out, all the books from the shelves and pencils from the box. The more I searched the more frustrated I began to feel, the more like a failure, the more like I can't be trusted, the more like I was letting people down, the more like my time was being wasted, the more like I didn't want more things to be responsible for looking after, the more like the kids didn't care, the more alone, the more cross, the more upset... it went on and on, I was cross with Benny and said mean things, I was cross with the world. I slammed doors and banged around and threatened and cried and shook and raged... and I just couldn't stop! In the end, in floods of tears I phoned Andy and asked if he could have the boys for a while so I could have some space to sort myself out.

As I was driving home from having dropped them off I remembered something I had read only yesterday about events or things in life being like little mirrors of what is going on inside us. I saw immediately that the emotions I was feeling was not about the hexbug at all.
  Of course it is only a wee bit of plastic and of course my friend would be completely understanding about the situation. Of course all I really needed to do was to spend a few euro buying a replacement and getting Benny to help me give it to it's rightful owner with an apology.
I realized that the torrent of emotion that it evoked in me belonged to quite other events and situations and happenings that had occurred on the run up to and over the Christmas break...things that I had not felt like talking about!
I had another good cry (just to make sure I had really released all of those pent up feelings), drank a large coffee and ate a (smallish) bar of chocolate and felt much calmer, although very drained.
I also knew that I needed to apologise to Benny and make sure that he knew that the negativity that had come from me was not about him and the hexbug but belonged quite somewhere else all together.
So I wrote him a letter and explained myself as best I could, in terms he could understand. Of course Benny can't read, but he understood the importance of those written words when I read them to him.
I also wanted to make him something, to show how much I love him and how sorry I was:

 and do you know what that wee guru said to me. 'Mummy you should read Each Breath a Smile' (a wonderful book based on the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh and he hugged me and got on with his day,
and I hugged myself and got on with mine.
Perhaps this would be a good marketing strategy for hexbugs: 'Hexbugs...the tool for the emotionally repressed' ;-P

19 comments:

  1. Big hug from me too xx
    ps - of course you'll find the thing now, but maybe it did it's job. xxx

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    1. thanks, yes I bet it will turn up somewhere really obvious as soon as I have truly learnt this lesson...life has a habit of doing that :-)

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  2. oh goodness i totally understand this. our project is helping me through my own little mess of a life! it's amazing what little things can bring us wisdom about ourselves. i so welcome our connection Laura! ~Kristin

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    1. Hi Kirstin, thanks for stopping by here :-) you are so right about the little things in life bringing us big messages if only we can tune into them. I too am glad for our connection, you and yours are so inspiring :-)

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  3. Sounds like everything happened the way it needed too, although you may not have handled your emotions like you felt like you should, isn't it nice that are children get to see we are not perfect, we too make mistakes and can admit when we are wrong and move forward? Sounds like a wonderful teaching moment to me.

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    1. thank you cynthia, I am kind of thinking that too, that although I displayed such raw, childishness..I also looked for a way to make amends for my behaviour and didn't beat myself up for feeling my feelings, something I do want to teach them :-)

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  4. Both the painting look so good.Especially the first one mother with her child look awesome.

    Body painting

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    1. thanks riya, the first one is a cheating applique, so it is made of fabric and felt. hugs Laura

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  5. O Laura, I so recognise this. Don't be too hard on yourself, you've gone through a lot and so have the children, you're all having to adjust to new circumstances, and you're not superwoman. Christmas can be a very difficult time as a single parent - I've been a single parent for almost 9 years and it's still not easy. Things will become easier over time - the children will get older and understand more, your pain will subside. It's such a cliche but time really is a great healer. Give yourself time, allow yourself to feel sad sometimes and slowly you'll find the sadness and anger makes place for a new happiness.

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    1. thank you, that was a very heartfelt and warmly written comment, I do feel confident that time and kindness will heal pretty much everything. Thank you again L x

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  6. Oh dear, I know these feelings! It is so easy isn't it, to fall prey to those inner emotions and displace them onto something/someone else! These little ones, aren't they the wise ones, though- truly our teachers! I agree with you on the importance of apologizing-and writing it down as you did. The art you made for Benny is gorgeous- I feel inspired to do something similar for my children, to hang by their beds.
    I will have to look up that book!
    HUGS Love, MEl

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    1. displacement is exactly the word Mel, The art was much easier and quicker than I had thought it might be, he was happy and appreciated the sentiment and has put the letter and the picture in his treasure box. The book is lovely, we enjoy it often :-)

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  7. Oh Laura, what a tough go of it you've had! I totally know these moments when we loose patience with our precious little ones and then feel so terrible after. What a sweet gift you made Benny, and writing a letter seems such a lovely way to let him know how you feel. And there might be something to your hexbug theory- we got a couple of these in our house this holiday- they are creepy, aren't they? And I started my day by shouting when a certain pair of little misters decided to wake me up by putting them in my hair. Ha- it is funny now!
    big hugs to you,
    Taisa

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    1. Hi Taisa, yes I think I would be screaming blue murder also if I woke to one in my hair, especially if it was the lost on lol! thanks for your support as ever x

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  8. Ahh those pesky little things that can cause so much trouble. I spent a good half an hour trying to recover one from the back of a kitchen unit that was to heavy to move.

    Good to give yourself a hug and a bar of chocolate. Give yourself lots of time and hugs.

    What a lovely way to say sorry.x

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  9. Oh sweet Laura, I want to give you a huge hug and say you are doing such great work within yourself.

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  10. Hope you are feeling better today, I think January is a tough month to get through.
    x

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  11. Thinking of you Laura and hoping you have many bright mooments throughout your days x x

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