Sunday, November 3, 2013

finding the woman within

I started going through puberty when I was 8 or 9 years old. I  vividly remember sitting in the bath one night looking at my body and asking my mum what was happening to me. She told me that my body was changing and that I was becoming a woman. I went to bed that night and sobbed my heart out.  I wanted to be a little girl, I didn't want to be a woman.
Perhaps this was the beginning of a block I put upon myself, but I feel like I never did become that woman. I buried her deep within myself and never allowed her to emerge. As I grew older my difficult relationship with my body continued and my feelings of dislike and shame prevented me from ever developing an identity as a sexual woman.
But this is changing and the woman within me is emerging. I am finding her, finding what she looks like and feels like, finding what she likes and what she doesn't and do you know what, she's fabulous.

This is a very exciting time for me and this is why I am sharing it with you here. Those of you who have followed my blog for a while will know what a journey of self discovery I have been on this past year and for me this is one of the final pieces of the puzzle.

I became very aware of this missing part of my self a few years ago.
I have had a very strong sense of my self; of the various roles I played in my life and of the different identities I have such as mother, friend, earthling. But there was a gaping hole, Laura the woman was not there. At first I was amazed by the realisation and then I became increasingly frustrated. Where was she and how would I find her and bring her out to the light?
Over and over again I saw this gap reflected back to me, in books I read, friends I talked with, in my relationships and intimacy in general.

About a year ago I had a discussion with my counsellor in one of our sessions about the identities that I have. She asked me if I could describe what they looked like. I could; the wife wore a green dress, a-line and beautiful, the mother soft flowing linens and floral prints. The earthling had long dreadlocks and bright rainbow coloured clothes, but I didn't know what the sexy woman looked like. My home work for that week was to make a wardrobe, or even just find colours or fabrics or anything really that would represent each of those identities. I did this and found snippets of fabric that felt right for each role, but I found nothing for her. I started a pinterest board called 'through the wardrobe doors' a cheaper and less time consuming way to 'shop' for the look of each identity but I still didn't find her.

The sense of frustration was leaving though, I didn't feel so desperate to find her, so cross that she wasn't just there under the surface for me to grab her hand and pull her out. At the New Year I simply asked for her to come. I made my bid to the universe and said I was ready and then I let it go. I continued to practice my yoga and meditation and running, to still my mind and find the peace of being truly myself with no noise going on. And then during the summer, I found her.

I found her by becoming my true self. I found her because I knew she was there. I found her because I was patient enough to wait for her to emerge without being dragged. I found her because I believed in her. I found her because I am her.

Once I found her I started to listen. To hear what she likes and who she is. My friend has a little business selling vintage clothing and furniture and I heard her say 'wow'. I hear music with a deep base beat and I feel her move her hips. I see bright red and blue, polka dots and stripes and I hear her say 'that's so me' I find a pair of peep toe heels in a charity shop and she says 'get them, they're fabulous'.
 I look at myself in the mirror and I see her and she makes me smile, and makes butterflies flutter in my stomach and excitement rise in my throat.
Here looking back at me is this woman, this gorgeous, sexy woman.
I knew she was there and here I am!

 (By the way the dress in the pictures is the one that I made for myself, I worked without a pattern, sewing from the heart and fitting it on myself over and over again. I loved the process of making this dress and buying the bits and pieces to go with it like the shoes and my bright red petticoat. I had so many people comment on it when I wore it to the wedding last week, I felt really special in it, alive and beautiful and me!)

27 comments:

  1. Gosh, this post made me cry. How amazing and beautiful this you is...how much you deserve to discover all of yourself. I'm a bit envious and a lot proud and happy for you.

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    1. och thanks Lucy, I wish this for every woman and every girl, it is a very special thing and I am also so proud and excited. thanks for your lovely support and wishes x x

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  2. Wow!! This is so inspiring! Thanks x And by the way you look great.

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    1. thank you flufflydog, it is a post I am very proud and happy to write and share, and thank you I think I look great too (and am so proud that I can say that I know it from my heart!) x

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  3. Really beautiful! :) Thank you for this as I am also on this journey to finding that woman within. :) And a beautiful journey it is too!

    the dress is gorgeous too! :) You rock!

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    1. yay, that is so cool Susan! It is such an exciting discovery and I am so happy to be on this path, thank you x x

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  4. Your dress is absolutely beautiful, and as for your shoes...!! Every blessing as you continue your journey as Who You Are and finding your joy x

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    1. switswoo shoes indeed ;-) thank you for your support x

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  5. I think all if this discovery and growth is great. You are amazing and worthy and deserving of every joy in this life.

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  6. WOW, you really did find her and she looks amazing. I hope your feeling as good as you look.

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    1. goodness emma, I do feel that good :-) it's such a great feeling too x

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  7. Laura you are such an inspiration and so honest about things that are hard to say. I wish I could be brave like you. Your dress is AMAZING and you look fab in it. You are so talented. I wish you well on your journey. Xxx

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    1. thank you for your lovely comment and well wishes, the bravery is coming easier these days, it only took me 2 weeks to publish this post after writing it lol! I wish you all the best on your journey too, it can be hard, but so incredibly rewarding and exciting at the same time x x

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  8. Dear Laura, there is nothing much more I could say that hasn't been already said in the previous comments, but still want to say it. I read this with tears in my eyes, tears of joy and emotion you get when facing something Big. And girl, This Is Big! I am so happy for you and would love to give you a big hug to congratulate you. The radiant shine of your beauty in the photos shows even more clearly than your words what a huge change has happened. Thank you for sharing this! xx

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    1. thank you so much, yes it seems to be an enormous change that lots of people are picking up on, so many friends have said to me how utterly different I look these days, but I do also think that this has more to do with the change that has happened within me that is shining out, amazing stuff :-) thanks for your lovely comment x x

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  9. I'm utterly amazed at your ability to so eloquently put into words and eppress in so many creative ways what many women struggle with. love you, Lisa x

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    1. thank you, i think it has been helpful for me to also put into words that feeling I had for so long, writing it out has given me a great deal of joy being able to reflect on what an immense thing has been happening to me, thank you for your kind comment x x

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  10. An absolutely beautiful post! Beautifully expressed! Wishing you joy in your new found self and may you go on discovering loads more!

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  11. You look stunning Laura. One can really see how happy and what a wonderfully strong woman you are. Simply a beautiful post. I love your blog!!!!!
    Lots of love,
    Bianca (from Germany)

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    1. dear Bianca, thank you so much for your lovely comment, it made me smile :-)

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  12. You look stunning and sexy as hell. Well done you! Am struggling with this myself at the moment. I put on loads of weight when I hit my twenties and have struggled since feeling even slightly attractive, let alone sexy! I turn thirty tomorrow and am feeling very daunted by it, so your post is very inspiring to me at just the right time and I am so happy for you. xxx

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    1. happy birthday for tomorrow sweetie, she's there, just take the time to listen to her, hear what she says, then honor and trust that. I am still shocked that I can feel (and therefore look) this good, thanks for your lovely comment x x

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  13. Laura!- She is fabulous! This is such an amazing post, and you are absolutely stunning. I can relate to so much of this- hitting puberty at 8 is no fun, and the subsequent embarrassment and shyness followed me as well (fingers crossed that I didn't pass the early puberty gene onto my daughter!) It is so inspiring to hear your journey to find this part of yourself. You are amazing and one hot mama!

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