reflections of motherhood

flowers for mothers day from the children (thanks Garry!)

beautiful Brock

mothers day breakfast in bed

Benny, Brock and I by Benny's cherry tree

Sunday afternoon quiet

Today is Mothering Sunday here in Ireland. It's been a lovely day so far: woken to breakfast in bed, cards, chocolates and flowers. A windy walk and quiet time at home knitting and relaxing with the littlest ones.
I have been thinking a lot about motherhood today, what a journey it has been so far and how happy I am to be a mother to these five gorgeous little people.
Motherhood for me has definitely become easier. Looking back, especially on the first few years, it felt very fraught, very anxious, very, very hard work. But now, although not always easy and often really busy, it seems easier.
 But perhaps that is more a reflection on who I am as a person now and the work I have done on myself and how much easier life is in general now I share the work load instead of doing it all by myself.
As these things go though I wouldn't be the person I am today if it were not for the fact that I am a mother.
Becoming a mother was the beginning of the long journey back to myself.
I remember distinctly the day that happened.
I was in a pretty low place, I wasn't happy, I had no passions, few friendships, life was a plodding through and trying to keep my head above water. I felt pretty poorly about myself, I had lost all of my confidence and felt I wasn't much good at anything.
Then one day, when Rebe was still a tiny baby, someone questioned my mothering, trying to imply that I wasn't a good mother. And I turned to that person, I can still remember the burning fierceness in my stomach and chest and I stood still, stood up and said 'I am a good mother'.
It was the first time in many, many years that I KNEW that I was good at something. And that became my foundation, on that block I started to build myself up slowly.
Being a mother was also of vital importance for me when I was examining the worth and value of my previous relationship. I asked myself once: 'Would this be good enough for my children?' and the fact that it wasn't made me see that it should not be good enough for me. It made me realise how low my self-esteem was; that I was willing to tolerate behaviour towards me that I would never want my children to tolerate from their partners.
So, because of them, because I had to teach them through my actions, I stopped putting up with mediocre, with bad treatment, with settling.
Because of them I tried to find out who I was and live an authentic life a life of integrity.
I found my strength, I found self love, I found confidence and through all of that I found happiness.
All of the things I wish for my own children.
So now mothering for me is a joy, a delight and above all an honor. An honor that these little people have chosen me to be their guide, to be their support and to watch them grow into the people they already are.
Mothering, although so deeply joyful to me, is about being an observer: watching the world through their eyes, watching them as whole, complete individuals discovering themselves and their paths.
I am there to mind them, to care for their physical beings.
But I know my place.
 I know that I cannot change or dictate who they are (not that I would want to, they are awesome just as they are) I hold their hands and have their backs as they walk their own paths, jump their own hurdles and discover all of the joys that life has to bring.
What an honor motherhood is, what joy it has brought to my life.
It will always be my greatest work.