Dear friends,
I thought I'd stop by and give you a little update on what's been going on here.
So, I finally went to my GP to see what she thought might be going on with me. I have had a very hard time recently and have felt very down and emotional. After talking with her for a while we concluded that I am indeed depressed. She called it post-natal depression as it stills falls within that time frame. So she sent me off with some anti-depressants and an appointment to get my bloods done to check my thyroid and other things.
Since realising that there really has been something wrong with me I have spent much time thinking about how to handle it. I have spent a lot of time talking about it with my mum, Andy and my bestest friend (who just happens to be visiting at the moment).
This is what I think is wrong:
I have lost myself completely. The only identity I have at the moment is that of mama.
I feel completely spent, so much so that I feel everyone just wants a piece of me and there is so little of me I have nothing left to give and am resentful being asked to.
I am emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted
I feel fragmented and dislocated
I want to feel:
Whole
reconnected with my mind and body
that I am Laura, not just 'mummy'
healthy
This is how I am going to achieve this:
I am going to follow an Ayurvedic lifestyle (as best I can with small kids)
I am going to change my diet to suit my bodytype and to achieve the best health possible
I am going to start going to yoga classes again
I am going to vastly reduce the amount I am feeding Joa and cut out the night feeds
I am going to ask for help
I am taking St John's Wort and Sepia to get me through this patch
I am going to go out for some exercise everyday
I am also going to try to be aware of...
being present in the moment
tuning in with myself more often
the pressure that blogging places on me to live up to my ideal of mothering and home making and to not blog if I am feeling too pressured
to relax more about living up to my own ideals and just living.
So dear friends this is where I am at. I am feeling optimistic that I am going to feel better soon. I feel good that I know what is wrong and I know how to fix this. I know to take it easy and to rely on those around me.
I am recording this here because it is part of motherhood and in fact this period of depression has been caused by motherhood for me. I know that in a few months I can look back on this page and see how I have grown and changed and am better and stronger.
I am not ashamed of feeling bad and it is not something I want to hide away from people.
I will keep you all updated with how I am getting on, and I thank you all for your support and emails and phone calls.
All my love x x x x
You are brave, Laura. I wish you the best. Much love and peace to you.
ReplyDeleteSending much love x
ReplyDeleteWhen we become mama's we often lose ourselves for a while, such an honest post and your plans sound like you are in the right place right now to help yourself. One day at a time, there will be up days and down days, but there will always be tomorrow ...
Take care of yourself, and only blog when you feel you can or want to.
Dawn x
I bet you feel as if a weight has been lifted now you have found out what is wrong and you can tackle it. Have you tried photography? Sounds like a silly hobby but I love the way it makes me appreciate all the little things in life that I wouldn't notice otherwise and makes me feel earthed somehow. x
ReplyDeleteLaura,
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog for a little while, just wanted to say I know. I know how you are feeling, I know what you are going through. I also know, and will tell you, that it doesn't last forever. And one day the color will return to the world, and you will feel great.
I've had PND following the birth of both of my sons. The second bout was far easier to manage, but the first was very rough.
I had my first son at the age of 22, while a senior in college, and his pregnancy followed a miscarriage. His birth is one of the worst stories out there - 18 hours of hard labor followed by an emergency c-section. The odds were stacked against me. And then, he just had to be colicky....
My advice is, be yourself, take time to take care of yourself. Don't do everything, it's ok to leave things undone if it means you get moments to find you again.
I also read lots of books trying to get through the waves, but my two favorite were "Down Came the Rain" (don't be turned off because it was written by the actress Brooke Shields) and "The Happiness Project".
Anyways, that's my two cents.
~Truly, Kristin
Dear Laura, we've talked back and forth already through emails~ Hugs to you- I know you'll be better soon, you're taking all the right steps! When I had PPD, I wasn't aware of it as you are, and therefore wasn't stepping in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteLOVE to you
Dear love, thinking of you so much. You give so much goodness to your kiddies to the world, please give lots and lots of it to yourself now. I sounds like you have lots of positive plans - but don't put too much pressure on yourself to "do" all of them either. I have been there after all of mine, just a dash and a splash but enough to know. Well done for reaching out. let us all hold you now whilst you rest xxxx
ReplyDeleteThe feeding plan sounds good so that you are getting more rest time and less call on your body - but do be aware of the hormone/ oxytocin dip that might accompany cutting down feeds as well x
ReplyDeleteAs always, your candid post inspires me.
ReplyDeleteI think that you are so brave and such a wonderful person. I am so thankful that you have your husband's support and have the ability to make changes that will be positive for your well-being.
Take care of you, no one is as tuned into your own needs as you.
Let others have the opportunity to show their love to you by asking for and receiving their help. I am sure helping you will enrich their lives as well.
I love you and wish I could dash over to your house and help.
Elizabeth
Oh Laura, I also completely understand where you are coming from. I remember feeling totally "touched out" a lot of the time after I had DD and I went through quite a rough spell of feeling overwhelmed and lost.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing the right thing by addressing it and having a positive plan to get through it. Sending you many wishes for a speedy recovery - it will pass. xxx
Laura, I just want to say that I have been there. It is really hard. Hugs to you mama. You are doing a great job.
ReplyDeletethank you all for your support, it means so much to me. It helps to know that other wonderful mama's have been and are going through it and that you came out of the other side smiling and happy with undamaged kids. Thank you also for the wonderful tips and ideas, they are all much appreciated. hugs x x x
ReplyDeleteHugs to you mama, you are doing what you need to do to get better. You are strong and such a wonderful mama. Sending warm thoughts your way.
ReplyDeleteHello, Laura,
ReplyDeleteI'm visiting here via Dreaming Aloud, and I just want to extend my best wishes to you in finding a new way to be "Laura" even as you are a mama.
Blessings.