saying thank you, letting go and moving on

Today was Andy's last day at work. For the last three years he has been working as a grounds keeper for a small rugby club. This was a part time position on a really great government scheme called Community Employment. The government basically facilitates community based organisation to employ people on a part time basis by supplementing their pay for a maximum of three years. The scheme is designed to help both the community projects but also people who are long term unemployed. Before Andy had this job he had been signed off work for years by his doctor.

We made a celebration for him

I wrote him a card expressing my thanks and pride in his work

Rebe made him a banner saying 'Happy last day of work'

and we had a really special dinner.

We took the time to say thank you. Thank you to Andy for going to work to support us, something I do not want to take for granted. We took the time to be thankful for the scheme and the job and the opportunities that it gave Andy.

You see Andy has suffered with chronic depression. (I won't go into the why or what treatments he has ~ these are obviously very personal, but I have his blessing to write about our experience of depression) When we first got together I really didn't know how to handle this and it took a long time to come to terms with it and know how to deal with it, with him. His blackest point was after Rebe was born, he would literally be in bed for months. He just couldn't cope with life. Being around us was difficult for him, getting out of bed was difficult for him, going to work was an impossibility.

I had no idea how to manage this. I felt so awful. It is so hard, to love someone so much who is just so unhappy in their lives, with themselves and there is absolutely nothing you can do to make them happy.

At the time I remember being feeling completely overwhelmed by his depression, at a loss how to handle him, it and myself. I had no one to turn to who was in this same position. I felt very alone. I remember the turning point for me was finding a really great support forum called Depression Fallout. Based on the idea of the book of the same name written by Anne Shepherd. I finally found a resource: a way to hear other people's stories, a place to vent my frustrations and fears and concerns and above all I got an incredible amount of really useful information and tools.

Firstly, I learnt that it was OK for me to be happy. I learned to allow myself to have a happy life, to feel and express happiness and to stop feeling guilty about having a life and not being depressed myself.

Secondly, I learnt that I needed to set clear boundaries for Andy within our relationship as to what is and what isn't acceptable behaviour regardless of the fact that he was depressed.

I also learnt that much of my behaviour was enabling him to repeat his depression cycles and patterns. By always stopping everything from toppling and smashing to the ground, by taking all responsibility from him that I was not allowing him to take the consequences for negative behaviours.

For me the very biggest impetus for change was being a mother. I realised that more than anything I could ever say to Rebe I have to live what I want to see her live. I thought, 'Would this be good enough for Rebe?' and I knew that if the answer is No, then it CAN'T be good enough for me either.
And that was it, I reached the point where I knew I had to be the strongest ever in my life and I told Andy that if he didn't get help I would have to leave him.

I remember that weekend so clearly, it was the turning point in all of our lives and on the Monday Andy went to the doctors and started his treatment.

He very slowly started to regain normality. We took baby steps and he had a lot of set backs and bouts of real darkness, but every week, every month he got stronger and healthier and ready to take on more. So I was delighted when he felt stable enough to start working again, when he felt he no longer need to class himself as 'disabled' by his depression. This was 3 years ago when he started his job.

Now the maximum of three years is over and so now we face a new chapter and I am facing a new challenge: that of letting go. I have been having some anxiety about this job finishing for Andy. I have been worried that he will get down, that he will stop doing and being and living, that I will loose him all over again. So I have been planning for him, in true Laura style, having each minute of each day from now until a he gets a new job planned out.
Actually this caused quite a row a couple of weeks ago until I saw what I was doing, and I realised why.
So I need to let go. I need to allow Andy to not be depressed. He isn't depressed anymore, he deals really well with life, he is keen and enthusiastic and happy. He starts projects and finishes them. He has an ever increasingly active role in the children's lives. He is my best friend and is supportive and loving and kind. He worked for 3 years straight and was a great employee. He is a wonderful neighbour who gets called on all the time for things. He has friends! I need to let him be who he is now and I need to let go of the man I had to care for for so many years. He isn't that person anymore.

So I am doing my very best to let go and we are moving on together, to the future and I think the future is looking pretty bright.