Tuesday, December 31, 2013


 Looking back on 2013 I feel, more than any other emotion in my heart, deep and true gratitude. I have so many things to be grateful for.
The year's beginning was pretty tough. There had been some problems with Andy. I found myself often on the brink of exhaustion, lonely and fairly out of balance. More than anything I was still living my life as 'a mother' and nothing and no-one else, there was still very little room for Laura in my life.
 During this time my friends and family and also you blog readers, rallied around me and offered me so much support and love. I am so grateful for each phone call, for each treatment, for each hug, for each word of kindness and strength that got me through this and let me know how loved and cared for I am. Thank you.
The spring brought with it a change. Andy and I got some help to negotiate our separate lives and I am grateful for the services that supported us. This process is on going of course, in fact only today I got a letter from the Mediation service offering me an appointment for 2 weeks time to begin the formal process of separation. But we are muddling through and finding a way for all of our needs to be supported. Thank you.
I was still attending my weekly counselling sessions until the late spring at which point I felt ready to stop attending. I am so grateful for my counselor for giving me such an essential tool box, leaving me feeling strong and true to myself and able to deal with whatever problems and challenges that may face me. Thank you.

 2013 was the first time I took to the garden. I had the support of 2 lovely friends, giving me lots of advice and also a space to grow. It was so much fun, great therapy and of course lots of organic, free, healthy, fresh food. Thank you

 I am grateful for learning to be able to slow down, create space and just enjoy each moment. Thank you
 I am grateful for the wonderful holiday the kids and I had in the UK in the summer. Thank you
 I am grateful for the teachers and staff at the school the kids go to. They love it there and Benny has settled in so quickly and effortlessly. Thank you.
 I am grateful for all of the support and encouragement I have had doll making. I loved each doll I made and I had so many cool and interesting projects to work on this year. Thank you.
I am grateful for each experience and gathering and day trip that peppered my year. So many wonderful places and people I have seen and precious memories I have made. Thank you.

I am grateful for Joa, for the crazy, nutty joy he brings into my life. For his way of telling a story filled with expression and his own unique brand of interpretation. I am grateful to have him as my daily companion, helping in the kitchen or out for a walk. I am grateful for his sweet kisses as I put him to bed each night and for the full body hug I get from him every morning he wakes.
I am grateful for Benny, for his gentle, caring nature. For his quiet calm and strength. I am grateful for how perceptive he is and the deep empathy he shows for other people and their feelings. I am grateful for how helpful he is, how hard he tries and for his incredible bravery and sheer courage. I am grateful in the trust he places in his own body and the inspiring self belief he shows.
I am grateful for Rebe. For her boundless creativity, a reflection of my own. I am grateful for how she looks after us all and shows her love in such thoughtful ways; cooking for the boys, making me sweet little cards and love notes. I am grateful for the strength and determination she shows in just being true to herself. There have been many times this year when she has been faced with feeling very 'different' and she handles it so beautifully. Life can be a tough ride but she is riding high on the crest of that wave. I am also so in awe of her self awareness and her ability to articulate this. A few weeks ago she was displaying a lot of anger, one night before bed we found a little time to talk about it and she said that actually she wasn't really angry all the time, but she did feel a bit sad and it was coming out as angry. Oh what insight to have at the age of 8 and I am so grateful that she feels that she can talk to me about this and many other things.

I am so grateful for all of these things. However, there are 2 things above all else that I am so happy to have found in 2013.

One of these is my self. I have found myself; a whole complete being. Learning mindfulness and meditation, finding time to run every week and developing my own interests and hobbies such as singing in the choir, taking care of myself in a way I never perhaps felt justified in doing before. All of this has given me such a balance in my life. I am no longer completely consumed by and with motherhood. My life is full of me and I feel so right, so whole and so happy. I still mother in exactly the same way, but no longer at the expense of the rest of my life. I am finding ways to say 'no' and 'that's ok' and 'I forgive myself''. I am also hearing what I need, what I want and what my dreams are and giving myself permission to follow those thoughts and feelings.
The other thing I found this year was Garry. He is such a great gift to me! I knew from the moment I opened the door to him when he came to collect me for our first date that this was something special. I had a real 'wow' moment and I felt something so strong it was like a pulse running through me physically. When I am with him I feel so at peace and so full of energy at the same time. When I am with him  I am completely myself and find that when we are together I live very fully in the moment, not wishing for anything else, for anything to be other or different. We can just be together, as we are, just us. And that is so special.

I am so excited about this coming year, I feel very sure that it will be filled with so much magic and happiness and love, and I hope that I will recognise and fully live each and every moment that I can with love and with gratitude.


  1. Such a beautiful post Laura! I am so very happy for you! I would love for you to post a little more on how you have managed to find time for your running, your own activities, developing your interests and caring for yourself. It would be helpful to know how you do it on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. I wish you a Happy New Year! Warmly, Sarah

    1. dear Sarah thank you for your kind and lovely words, I am honored that you find me and my life an inspiration. I will certainly give a post about making time for 'me' some thought. Thank you for visiting here with me love to you and yours x

  2. I just wanted to add how grateful I am to you for sharing with such honesty in this beautiful little blog space that you have created. You are a true inspiration. Thank you! I look forward to continuing to visit you here in the new year.

  3. Beautiful. Tears. What a testament to your life, and the woman you are. xxxx

  4. Thank you Laura for making me cry of emotion once again.
    I feel such a joy because of you, your life, your children and especially for that Finding Laura-part. This is so important for all of us being consumed by mammying and I know the great relief and confirmation it brings, when you finally get there. Perhaps we all need to go through that rough path first, to fully appreciate and care for ourselves when we finally find the way back to our true being?

    You have a wonderful way with words and you bring to all of us readers of your blog the insight to your life, thoughts and feelings so honestly that it touches my heart very deeply.
    Thank you for sharing the love, ideas, creativity, your home and family and yourself with us.
    May you and yours be protected and safe, happy and healthy, and may 2014 bring all the dreams come true.