Tuesday, September 18, 2012

feelings

As part of the healing I am doing right now, after the break up of my relationship with Andy, I have been seeing a counselor for an hour once a week. It is really good work I am doing there and I wanted to share a little part of my journey back to myself with you here.

I am a feelings person. I have very strong, and at times overwhelming feelings. In the past (and of course even now) the intensity of my feelings have stopped me from functioning as my true self. I also realise that I have found it very difficult to express 'negative feelings'  like anger, dislike, dissatisfaction, hurt and sadness. At my session last week my counselor asked me to run my hands through a basket of pebbles and chose the one that felt, to me, like those stored feelings.
This is the pebble I chose. She then asked me where in my body I was carrying it, this hard rock of bad feelings. I placed the stone, where I felt it, on my diaphragm underneath my rib cage. My counselor gently let me know that I needed to do something about that hard little rock before it turned into something more serious and more physical. 
She then gave me home work of making an art work of what 'feelings' are for me.
These are my feelings, in fact this is me.
The whole complete circle.
Making this drawing was so eye opening for me and I realised so many things about my feelings.
They are colourful and each of them beautiful in it's own right.
They are not isolated things, instead they meld and blend and flow.
Some like anger and creativity are the opposite to each other.
I see that the white inner core is my pure self (my Buddha nature/ essence of Gaia/ whatever you want to call that beautiful pure connectedness to the universe). That my pure self looks through a layer or filter of whatever I am feeling at that moment and thus whatever I am seeing or experience is coloured in some way by my own feelings.
Equally my response is filtered back out through that feeling and will emerge into the world coloured by the emotion it emanates through. I learned today (a week on) that I want to be able to live life as my pure self, I want to make decisions as my own self and not in the state of an emotion. I realise that it is possible to give my inner self time to speak, to quieten the emotions long enough to let me true self speak from the heart.
I see that sadness (above) is so like rain, and tears like rain are cleansing and give new life.
At the moment I am allowing this information to sink in. I know that in time I will learn how to live and breathe as my true self and to see my emotions in a more detached way. For now I am marveling in their beauty and the beauty of having time to learn about my true self.

What do your feelings look like?

11 comments:

  1. So sorry to hear about your current troubles, so delighted that you shared your art mama. I am holding your question about feelings and hoping my answer is as beautifully depicited once it comes as yours. Sending you much love and strength x x x

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    1. dear rose, thank you so much :-) I found it really therapeutic and very exciting at the same time to discover so much about my own feelings, thank you for your lovely comment and I will draw from that strength :-) x

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through such struggles. I did some counseling a few years ago and it's so amazing to really discover what you are feeling and why. Your art is beautiful, as are you!

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    1. thank you dear friend, yes I am in awe of what I am finding within myself each week. I so grateful to have this opportunity for real growth. Thank you for holding my hand here :-)

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  3. Thank you for sharing your beautiful artwork Laura. I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles. I love how healing it is to express ourselves through art, it seems to have had a big effect on you. I will be thinking about this today, and sending prayer and strength your way xx

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    1. thank you so much. My creativity usually is only with dolls, it has been a long time since I have drawn and I think much much longer since I have drawn from the heart, switched off my brain and let my sub-conscious do the work. It was a very powerful experience and something I will definitely do again. hugs x

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  4. Laura, we seem to be traveling in the same circle. I am currently living the same truth as you. I am trying to grasp my own healing.

    Your artwork is splendid and so beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. wow, you popped into my head today when I was driving Rebe to school. I wonder if it was at the time you were writing this? I hope that you can find tools that work for you too on your healing journey, thank you for walking with me, albeit it oceans apart x

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    2. Healing can be fun at times as well as exhausting at times. At every moment it takes full awareness. Know I am walking with you too.

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  5. Oh Laura, this is so amazing and so beautiful. I am in awe over this drawing, and this digging so deeply into yourself! HUGS

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    1. dearest Mel, thank you my friend :-) It has been a very beautiful experience and I am really looking forward to more digging. I was actually very surprised how 'visual' I am in terms of seeing very clear pictures of feeling within my head. love to you x x

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