Monday, April 22, 2013



 Once there was, and once there was not, a young mother who lay on her deathbed, her face pale as the white wax roses in the sacristy of the church nearby. Her young daughter and her husband sat at the end of her old wooden bed and prayed that God would guide her safely into the next world. The dying mother called to Vasalisa, and the little child in red boots and white apron knelt at her mother's side.
"Here is a doll for you, my love, " the mother whispered, and from the hairy coverlet she pulled a tiny doll which like Vasalisa herself was dressed in red boots, white apron  black skirt and a vest embroidered all over with coloured thread.
"Here are my last words, Beloved", said the mother. "Should you lose your way or be in need of help, ask this doll what to do. You will be assisted. Keep the doll with you always. Do not tell anyone about her, Feed her when she is hungry. This is my mother's promise to you, my blessing on you, dear daughter."
 (an extract from Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes)
 During my second session with her, my counselor read this extract to me. It touched me deeply that she had made such effort to find a way to speak to my heart.
I started seeing my counselor a month or so after Andy and I separated in the summer. It has been a wild and wonderful journey into myself these past few months. It has been at times painful, there has been so much thinking and work to do.
 I have cried many tears of joy and pain and relief
 I have learnt so much.
 I have found ways to cope.
 I have built an incredible tool box of techniques to cope with difficult and stressful situations.
 I have learnt what I need to do to thrive: to fly and soar far above just mere surviving.
Throughout this whole time my counselor has been  the most gentle, touching and intuitive guide I could ever have hoped for. She has truly been my gift from the universe, the exact support and teacher that I needed just at this time.
My journey with her has led me back to a place, close to my source, a place that feels so right and good, a place I forgot how to be in when I was asleep all those years.
And now I am back, I am wide awake and I am feeling so many changes.
 I am very at peace, even in moments of crazy, single-mum stress.
 I feel very free and easy.
I have freedom to choose who I am and what I do.
 I am no longer smothered by 'being mother'. I love being the mother of my kids, and sometimes mother to myself, but it is a face of the prism and the light is free to shine bright and strong through other parts of myself now too.
I have become vegetarian again, something which has taken me quite by surprise, not a conscious choice, but one made by my body, by my soul.
And now, I am in a place to move on. I am ready to stop visiting with this wonderful, guide, this angel.
 I know I am strong enough to face whatever life throws at me and I know that I can seek out the glory and the love in everyone and everything. I have a tool box to build on and faith in the feet that appear on the right path in front of me.

To celebrate my last session I asked my counselor if I could make her a gift.  I made the Vasalisa doll from the story. A tiny symbol of my respect and deepest, deepest thanks for who she is and what she has done for me.
She had asked me what else I would like to do to mark the occasion and I decided I would like to light a candle for myself in that space, a candle I can then take home and carry with me as a reminder of this time of great learning and of finding myself again.
 I looked for something suitable for a week or so before it occurred to me that I had sheets of beeswax left over from Christmas crafting. So I rolled myself this one. While I did this thought occurred to me, as clearly as if a voice had said it...

You make your own light

How true and what a lovely way to think of this light, my light and my place in the world.
Thanks for letting me share :-)


  1. Laura, you are an amazing and strong woman. When I feel like I'm in the dark, I think about you (honestly, I do). You have strived and thrived and even in your sadness you have shone like a beacon of hope and love. I am so glad that you are feeling strong enough to take this very important step forward.

    1. wow, thank you so much, Melissa, your words touch me really deeply and I squeeze the hand you are holding out to me right now x x x

  2. Wow, Laura, what a powerful journey of self discovery. I love how you refer to having a 'tool box'. I sometimes think of this kind of imagery when i have to dig deeper to fix and repair myself to cope with the many challenges life throws my way. I love the phrase 'You make your own light'. I will remember this mantra too and think of your light shining over on the other side of the world xx

    1. dear Lou thank you so much, I do love the idea too, a rusty old messy box in my heart. Enter stressful situation... rummage, rummage...ah here it is...apply...and move on with life :-) did you notice the dolls in my last post?...3 of them are yours, loving working on them x x x

  3. Love to you Laura. You are an incredible woman! I think of you often and send good wishes your way. Wishing you so much happiness. Love Kelly

  4. Love your header picture too! Very special.

    1. it's gorgeous isn't a lovely friend of mine painted it for me :-)

  5. Thank you for sharing Laura. I find it very moving and helpful to read your journey and thoughts. Wishing you peace of mind, happiness and love. Warmly, Sarah.

    1. hi Sarah, thank you for those lovely wishes, sending them to you too x x

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