This week I have been confronted with our being 'different' over and over again. It is something I am struggling a little with internally right now.
(disclaimer: I am right in the middle of my cycle which is a difficult time emotionally for me, which is probably why I am finding this more of an internal struggle than usual...I reserve the right to have pmt ;-P)
It started with this note that Rebe brought home from school a couple of days ago.
At first she was quite reluctant to show it to me or even to tell me about it. I kind of guessed what was in it and tried to reassure her that her wish was important and that I wouldn't be cross no matter what her wish was. So she did show me:
To be honest I'm not even sure what a DSi is, but the image she drew is pretty clear. I imagine that the other kids in her class were talking about them and drawing them too and she wanted to have the same 'wish' as them.
The thing is Andy and I had previously discussed this and we had decided that the kids wouldn't have any electronics until they were at secondary school. I don't encourage a lot of screen time. We don't have a tv anymore and the kids might watch a dvd or something on the computer every few days. This is not a value judgement on what anyone else does, this is simply what we do in our family.
I needed a bit of time to think of my response to her so I acknowledged that I had seen her wish list and tried to keep my expression neutral. Then I changed the subject until I had a chance to think it through. In the end I decided that while I don't want her to have a DSi or anything like that until she is older, I don't want her to feel that I don't allow her her wish.
So that's what I said in the end; that this is her list, and therefore important but I didn't think Santa would bring her the DSi as it was against my rules of the household, but I was very happy for her to keep it on her wish list until she is older. She seemed happy with this compromise and the problem was resolved (or so I thought until it was brought up again between her and Andy regarding a pocket money discussion...but then that is a whole other story that I won't go in to).
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| Benny with Bree in a basket |
This really upsets me, actually it makes me cry. I feel so sad about it, that kids who are 7 are even aware of how someone else looks, that they care what someone who is 4 looks like.
To be honest this isn't the first time that the kids in Rebe's school have made fun of how Benny looks and it worries me, he's supposed to start attending that school next September.
Yes, we do look a bit different. We wear brightly coloured clothes, often hand made, or handed down. I am not the best at laundry and I don't iron as a rule. I don't mind if the kids go to pick Rebe up from school in fancy dress or with a bit of paint on them.
But now my heart is torn, should I try harder with how we look? Should I encourage Benny to cut his hair, should I encourage Rebe to wear girly shoes instead of dinosaur ones? Is it fair that I am proud of our difference? I have always been different, is it too easy for me to be different? is it fair to make my kids stand out because I am comfortable with it?
Shit, you know I really think the kids are so perfect, just exactly as there are. I don't want to change them, I want them to celebrate their individuality, their uniqueness and their beauty.
But I also know it is hard to be different, I know that other kids can and do poke fun. I also know that at the moment I am the one who gets their clothes, and I am the one who tells the hairdresser how short (or not) to cut their hair. Their difference is my choice, as would it be my choice to make them fit in. I also know that Andy thinks I should compromise more. That I am too strong headed, that I make a statement with these things... and I wonder is this wrong?
You see what I mean...I am struggling a little with this internally!
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| soup |
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| painting |
Finally, a few people have asked would I not consider sending Benny into a formal preschool, for even a morning a week. Again I find my resolve is shaken. Is the decision not to send him still right? Who is it about, me or him? Now I am a single parent, I feel the gravity of every decision even more. Especially as I would like to be considerate of Andy's perspectives and point of view.
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| Rebe's lego dog |
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| my new cups and a gypsy cream |
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| a wee custom order doll modeled by Benny in a doll meitai I made |
The simple truth is I really just want the best for them and sometimes it is difficult to know if the paths I choose are the best. I suppose, if nothing else, I can ensure that each decision is made out of love.
How do you deal with difference in your family?
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
ReplyDeletex right back at you...and my moon dial is so helping me know that I'm 'in the teens' x
DeleteHow you spoke to R about her wish was so respectful and wise. We are different too. It is hard when the children who love dressing up, painting faces, being their own unique selves suddenly get oppressed by others. We went on a lantern walk and had to pass some kids, who obviously were mystified by parents out singing and interacting with their children, and they followed us laughing and shouting questions and my kids were suddenly so anxious. So I threw my head back, sang louder and prouder, answered questions and tried to keep us in the moment. My solution to the peer pressure thing is that the children can be/do what feels comfortable to them (toe the line or march to the beat of their own drum) and I will do what feels comfortable to me which is usually be the fat woman in stripey socks making too much noise! You are an amazing mother!
ReplyDeleteLucy that was a completely rocking comment I laughed OUT LOUD and shouted yes exactly, thank you for your wise, kind and lovely words x x
DeleteDifferent is good, surely the world would be a very boring place if we were all the same! Our little one certainly won't be getting electronic whatever for Christmas this year whereas lots of his friends (even at the age of 3 or 4) are. I prefer him to have toys that last and dont use batteries and use more of his imagination. Our little one also has longish curly hair and most adults think it is cute and I like it so that is how it is going to be (for the moment), this may change. I think sometimes when friends are talking about all these things I just bite my tongue and remain quiet. At the end of the day it is up to you how you bring your children up and you can say no to them and still know at the end of the day that you love them and they love you. Sorry not sure this helps you. Thinking of you at this time with all you are having to go through. xxxx
ReplyDeletethank you fluffydog, most of the time I don't 'defend' our choices and I let what is said roll off my back, only sometimes when I am feeling vulnerable that I wonder....and I suppose that is what this post is...just wondering... thank you for your support x
DeleteYou handled Rebe's list with such wisdom, never doubt yourself!
ReplyDeleteIn Benny's case I wouldn't touch his beautiful locks until HE asks to have them cut! In Canada long hair is very "in" for boys.
Well done!
~ joey ~
Hey Joey, if it were up to me, I would leave his hair, but Benny is now set on getting it cut, and that is ok. I will celebrate this as his choice and I'm trying to get an appointment for him with the hair dressers. Thank you for your lovely comment, your encouragement and support mean the world to me :-)
DeleteOh, this post makes me want to cry for you because at times, I feel exactly the same way. I was raised to value certain things (like compassion for others and different ways of doing things) and at times, especially in my job, I run up against people who think I am crazy for caring as passionately as I do. Then, I go through this struggle - on one hand, wanting to belong and on the other, feeling the need to be true to what I believe. I'm a school teacher and I see this so much, too - children, at such a young age, begin to judge each other. On the other hand, though, children can also be capable of a great deal of compassion and understanding. Remember, whatever happens, your child have a very strong sense of your presence and your love. While at times they may rail against not being like everyone else but I, for one, am now very grateful to my parents for teaching me to follow my heart, even though, at times, it's a struggle. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteIt's funny that as I read this I just came back from Rebe's parents evening and her teacher said she is a very caring and compassionate child and that she likes everyone in her class and doesn't favour or choose any one person over another. Thank you for writing what you did and it has strengthened my resolve to do little more than tune into OURSELVES and leave everyone elses opinions at the door! x
DeleteOh dearest, this post spoke right to my heart. We are "different" as well- I have always been so my whole life. In my younger years I would often struggle against it, try to be more "normal" while my heart cried out against it and I felt smothered and not myself and unhappy. On the surface I'd feel just great- and deep down very confused and dysjunct and broken up.
ReplyDeleteIn my late twenties and especially now I totally embrace ME and feel happier and lighter than ever before!
My advice would be this: listen to your kids, listen to your heart. Be firm in terms of parenting what you feel and know in your heart is best for your children at the same time.
If Rebe wants dinosaur shoes, let her. If she isn't sure, but YOU want her to have them, maybe it's not the right thing. If Benny is happy with his long hair, let him be. My Winter boy has been told by other boys his hair looks like a girls and he still loves it. Recently we cut it (due to knots) and he has been heart broken, wanting his hair back.
My girl is eleven, the other day in our homeschool craft group all the girls were talking about electronic devices which both she and I are clueless about. She may have felt left out, perhaps. But she also is fine with it at the same time. She has grown into her skin much earlier than I did- I have always let her "be." As a younger girl she wore quite the eclectic conglomeration! Now she is a bit more fashion conscious, while at the same time being herself. A good mix.
Your children watch YOU their mama, who is herself and happy with it. They will be so too.
I think if you find the balance between listening to them, and teaching them to be themselves, they will grow up comfortable in their own skin and thank you for letting them be so!
Oh dear I am not expressing myself very well- my two littlest boys are being very loud just now!
You are so fantastic and loving dear Laura, I love you so!
Dear Mel, as always your words are so kind and supportive. I am going to take Benny to the hairdressers as he really wants it cut 'just so'. He has described what it should look like which was pretty sweet and funny in itself, and I did find him with a wetted brush and even a pair of scissors yesterday. So he has obviously internalised some of what Rebe says and if this is a change he wants to make then I need to support him. I do love his hair, but it is HIS hair. and yes as you said HOW I live is a much more important lesson to the kids than anything I could ever tell them in that if I am comfortable with myself and my 'differences' then they ar emore likely to be of theirs (I am the only mama after all at the school gate wearing a hand knitted shawl ;-P)
Deletethanks dearest Mel x x x
I am remembering one time when my Winter did want his hair cut, and it was to be like a "big boy" we knew and he idolized. After that, he decided he did like it long anyhow. So this was a time when I followed his wish, and in the end he decided who he is, after all.
DeleteBenny's hair (and angel face!) is so beautiful, short or long.
Hugs!
PS yes, be proud of their differences- and yours too. All of you, are brightly colored lights shining with love and peace in a world which needs them!
ReplyDeleteI think you are all perfect as you are. My oldest son used to get comments about his hair being long. He still wants a pony tail, though. The only reason he doesn't have one right now is because he doesn't take care of his hair well enough. But we won't go into that one. (:
ReplyDeleteMy Imp wears his tiger tail out at stores, proudly proclaims that he's a princess that needs to be rescued. It's all good.
I was the crazy-different one when I was younger (and compared to my extended family, I stil am). The goth kid, the outsider. I still feel vulnerable some times. I still care more about what others think than I should. But I can't imagine being just like everyone else.
You are a strong and caring mother - even when you don't feel like you are. Your kids are going to grow up to be equally strong and wonderful people. And I'll be here to remind you of that whenever the need arises. (:
Thank you Melissa, that was so great to hear. LIke you I was also always different, but in the end the difference was special to me and I embraced it and I celebrate diversity. I am sure the kids will also feel this in time and at the end of the day all I can do if love them unconditionally of how long their hair is or whether they are wearing pink shoes :-) hugs to you sweet friend x x
DeleteI have the same problems, my son is 10 and is almost the only one in his class that has not got a phone. My daughter keeps wanting a leapfrog laptop as her friends have one. I love the way you spoke to your daughter about the computer game, I must try that approach as I must admit I seem to just get frustrated everytime my children say so and so has this that and the other. My son had an meeting with the head teacher of a secondry school today that he may go to in September and they were aloud to bring an ice breaker. my son brought some of his lego which he loves and the head teacher said it is so nice to see someone bringing lego and discussing how they spend alot of their spare time building it and not playing with computer games and watching tv all the time. This made me feel very happy, as I think teachers are all too aware of the effects of too much computer games and not enough creative play. sorry to ramble on, but I think you are doing a wonderful job and I love your blog. Bee x
ReplyDeleteHi Bee, thanks for that reply. I would be proud too if I were you :-) That's wonderful feedback from the head and also good to know that he values such creativity :-)
DeleteSuch a hard choice when it involves children isn't it? I came from the picture perfect "normal" suburban family, by the time I was 12 I had a very strong drive to be different and have been ever since. Which is fine when it is just you it effects. However I have 17 and 2 year old daghters, and a one year old son. We are vegetarian, Vegan unless it is dairy, eggs or honey from our animals or friends animals, we worship nature, we wear homemade clothes, we don't have a TV, We don't have plastic in our home outside of consumable items we can only find in plastics, My son has long hair, my 17 year old has bright cherry red hair this week, next week it might be purple, blue or green. My kids toys are almost all handmade, we don't have any toys available at a big box store outside of a wooden train set and a few wooden puzzles. We are very "odd" by most peoples standards, however we surround ourselves with many friends of like mind and life styles, so therefore the "normal" people are odd to them, I am glad my kids have no idea what a video game is, or television, or fast food, or Super Stores, I try hard to fill their worlds with creativity, beauty, and works that are a labor of love.
ReplyDeleteDear Cynthia, I think you have identified something really important that I ensure that we also are surrounded by lots of like minded and accepting people, which generally the boys and I are, but i think Rebe gets the short end of the stick there as she misses out a lot of these gatherings due to being at school. So this is definite food for thought, thank you. It sounds like you have a wonderful rich and caring family life, thank you for sharing x
DeleteI am always inspired by the way you are walking your own path, in some ways it can be a harder path, but in others so much more satisfying because it is being true to yourself. I think children learn so much from the approach we as adults take in this way. All children, no matter what parenting approach their parents will take, will at different times think they would like to try what other kids are doing. I suppose this is where we need to decide what values and choices are really important to us.
ReplyDeleteThe way you responded to Rebe's wish was so touching. I love that you allowed and acknowledged it, but still held to your approach because you know it is right for your family.
Taming the Goblin and a few other bloggers all wrote about their sons' long hair recently and why they have chosen to not encourage them to cut it, but to follow their lead instead.
You are an inspiring mum xx
Thank you for such a lovely and encouraging reply. You are right of course, I won't always have the same ideas as my children (and thank goodness for that) but I also need to remember to not take it personally :-)
DeleteThanks again hugs x x
((Hugs))). Be yourself. I know it's parental instinct to make our children's lives as smooth and fun as possible, however kids do need to learn how to be themselves without our intervention. I'm not saying they must experience bullying; lol that is a pet peeve for me as a home educating mam; no I mean the normal interactions, the falling out, the arguing and learning to resolve those situations themselves, and also trusting that our children will ask for our help if they are unable or don't know how themselves, By beating your own drum, your children will learn to do the same. I'd only be concerned if you were the sort to be insensitive to your children's experience and feelings; and clearly you're not :-)).
ReplyDeletethat's exactly it Joxy, trying to make their lives smooth and pain free and of course that is not only unrealistic but unfair. Thank you for this sage advice and I do need to be a little kinder to myself and also trust in how resilient my children are. After all I made it to where I am being a very 'different' person and I think I am pretty ok and if my kids will be able to say that about themselves at this age I'd be delighted :-) hugs to you x x
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